You shouldn't feel
by thewhorecrux
Summary: You have a plan but she doesn't trust you enough. 2x20 . ONE-SHOT


**Just a short little drabble.**

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><p>You don't trust anyone.<p>

You know you could do it yourself.

You have a plan.

But.

_She_ doesn't trust you.

You're hurt because of that. What is really hard to trust someone like me? Maybe, but you know that all you want is for her to be safe. For her to survive that stupid sacrifice. You know how to save her, but she insists to do it her way. You know she's stubborn – one of the things you love about her. You hate how she's somewhat right, but you're hurt.

She trusts him more than you.

Him – whom who was once close to Klaus.

'How could she trust him?' you ask yourself.

You don't know the answer; you think you will never know. Elena Gilbert is forever a mystery to you. You get how she wants for all of you to stop trying to fight for her, but you want to make her understand that you want to because you _love_ her.

But a part of you doesn't want her to know, because deep inside your monster… you want her to be happy with your brother.

But you're stubborn too, more than her.

So you do what you want, because you can, and because no one can stop you from protecting the person you love.

#

You're upset.

All you want to do is to kill and feel numb.

But you don't know how, because you're too deep.

Deep into your humanity that you thought was gone.

And you blame her.

You blame her, for making you feel this way.

Making you feel like you're worth something, but you know you're not. Why would Katherine not care about you in the first place, if you're worth something? Why did she leave? You feel so upset and your distraction is right in front of you.

She says that she wants you too feel cared for.

You want to laugh, you want to cry, and you don't really know what you want to do.

Cared for?

Care is overrated; you think it is more overrated than love.

Then you remember her saying 'I care about you' right after she tells you it's always going to be Stefan. And that part of you that don't want to kill dies a little.

You snap.

It felt good, for awhile. But you hear Andy's scream, and you remember _hers_.

So you stop, and tell Andy to leave.

#

You're listening to their stupid and horrendous plan.

Elixir? Really?

And you wonder if Elijah was a Harry Potter fan.

Then you hear him say that it might not work, and you stood up and went to them.

You argued that Elena taking blood from a vampire – your blood – will secure her life, but she says no. You ask her if it doesn't work, and she shrugged and said, 'then I'm dead'. And you want to shake her and tell her to wake up. You worry about her, so you go back to your room. You're upset again.

She comes and talks to you.

She tries to make you understand, and you try to make her understand.

'I don't want to lose you.' You tell her.

And she says that you won't.

You stood for awhile… shocked. Instead of saying that she's not yours to lose, or something close to a rejection, she tells you that you won't. And you want to ask her why she said that, but you don't put much of a thought on it because you know that it's her being herself – being her typical self who cares for everyone. But you wonder a little bit, and think that she just said that a part of her was yours to lose, and you can't help but hope.

So you force her.

You show her your demon and rip your wrist in order to give her your blood.

The blood that will be able to save her and the blood that will make you feel at ease, because you know she's going to come back.

You hate the terrified look in her eyes.

You ignore the pain, the pain caused by the look in her eyes.

You keep telling yourself that it's for the best. But you hate that look in your eyes.

She hates you now. It hurt. But you feel okay because that's what you've been trying to do from the start – when you realized that you love her.

She's going to be okay.

#

Stefan threw you off of her.

Your brother, whom you spent your whole human life with.

But you're too gone, because all you could think of is that you're doing the right thing.

You fight, and you can't help but to think of the days that you guys fought, those playful fights. And you can't help but to feel the longing towards your brother… so you let him punch you, you let him hurt you. Because you know how much you've hurt him for almost a century because you let a girl – a bitch – get in the middle of you.

And you see the way she looks at you when _she_ tells you to leave.

It hurt you.

#

You drown yourself with Bourbon, and you sense the-teacher-who-got-himself-exorcised-by-one-of-Klaus'-witch.

And he looks at you with pity.

And you want him to go away because you know that he doesn't know how it feels like this.

He's the closest of a friend you could ever have, but it's a bit weird because you slept with his wife and killed her. And now you're in love with his girlfriend's niece.

You know that he knows.

Then Klaus comes in.

You're not scared of him.

So you tell him to postpone the sacrifice the way you're good at. You're back to your cocky, non-caring self that Elena hates the most because she knows you're better than that.

And you look at Klaus, and can't help but think how he ended up to be the cruel person he is right now, and can't help but wonder how it's like to be him.

You wonder if he feels anything at all.

You wonder if he ever felt the stuff you're feeling right now.

He doesn't agree with whatever you said.

#

You help her friend.

You don't know why but you try to keep telling yourself it's because of her.

But you know that you care for people now.

You blame her again, because you feel for other people.

You even saved the wolf.

You feel good, for a bit, but your walls are back up again.

#

You call Stefan.

He tells you its too late, that Elena was already taken.

You try to convince yourself that she was going to come back; that your blood will do the trick and keep her safe.

You wanted to kill, you wanted to cry, and you wanted to feel pain – you don't really know which one you want to feel.

But you composed yourself, because blondie, mutt, and the wolf were there.

You don't want them to see this side of you; you don't want anyone to see this side of you – except _her._

You tell the blonde couple to go, and that you'll take care of the wolf.

You tried.

#

You went after Klaus, the smart part of you think it's stupid.

And that smart part of you proves that it was because next thing you saw was darkness. And the last thought you had been Elena.

#

You feel soft hands slapping your face.

You try to open your eyes.

You feel lost, for awhile.

Just for awhile.

The first thing you saw surprised you and you think you're dreaming. But then you realize that it's the other one – the one who broke you and the reason why you're who you are right now. But you can't help but to remember the dance you spent with Elena. Katherine's hair makes you remember all of that. And you felt uncoordinated because all you could think of is how warm she was when you held her close in that dance.

But you were able to grasp and get a hold of your old self.

And then you remember Klaus telling you that you're better off dead.

Katherine grabs your arm.

Normally, you would snatch it back and say some sentence that implies that she's a bitch – which she is – but you let her because all you could think of… all you could see is Elena. You know it's stupid to think of her when you look at Katherine. But you only look at the face, because you know that they can't be remotely similar to each other.

You know Elena's much more than Katherine.

Elena's kindness and warm heart -that never cease to surprise you and bring your love for her into new heights – is far more than Katherine's hollow soul.

And Katherine shows you the mark of your end.

You see an emotion flicker to Katherine's face.

And you can't help but feel something inside of you.

And you wonder if she ever cared about you, even if she loved Stefan the whole time.

#

You're in _her_ arms.

She's crying.

You want her to smile, so you ask her – but it came out strangled.

You're dying.

You're dying in her arms.

You're dying in her arms, and you feel peaceful.

You feel peaceful because you're spending your last breath in the arms of the person you love.

She's telling you to hold on.

And you want to ask her what to hold on to?

But no voice came out, and you know you're losing time.

So you tell her you love her instead.

And you close your eyes, and smiled.

You smiled.

You smiled, because you heard her say it back.

You never felt death as peaceful like this.

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